I am the only person I know to still be living with her parents well into her 30's, barring one, who I'm fairly certain eats crayons when left unattended.
I have - and always have had - one single curious super power. It simultaneously compels people to have higher expectations of me than (I quite openly tell them) I ever have any hope of achieving, then embarrasses them into silence when it transpires that I actually was telling the truth the whole time. I have consequently spent a great many years hop-scotching from one mediocre job to another, clinging with grateful desperation to whatever employer will have me with the same futile endeavours of a tree frog to an unmatured stem. Either I will fall alone or I will take the whole stem with me, but either way an aggressive reunion with the ground is a cataclysmic certainty.
Somehow I have remained in my current position for 5 years now. This is mostly on account of the fact that my boss is clinically mad. True story.
She took me on after meeting me at a social event and - as ever - 'seeing something in me'. She now see's a therapist fortnightly and glares at me over the top of her endless rotation of 'How to Deal with Difficult People' books
My job pays adequately considering my presiding skill-set is 'inappropriate one-liners with an undercurrent of casual sarcasm' but it's below the National Average and far below anything any of my friends earn, thus contributing to an inferiority complex I already had well established, thank you very much.
It's not glamorous but at least is varied. One day a week I play with numbers, One day a week I play with social media, Two days a week I play with patients and One day a week I play with myself (or 'Special Projects' day as my boss would prefer me to call it)
I have 20 people on my Facebook. At least 3 of them are from when I played Mafia Wars. One of them takes the time to call me a "c*nt" every 10th October.
It's nice to be remembered. Most of my acquaintances live in London, which is massively inconvenient both for my budget and for my limited timetable. I have made efforts to meet people closer to home, but so far the locals are largely uninspiring* (*Fucking idiots)
Most of my friends are male. In fact, all but one of my friends are male. This sometimes causes issues but mostly it's okay with the spouses so long as I am relegated to a bi-yearly afterthought.
My female friend is better at being female than I am but still somehow struggles with being human, which enables me to take the lead role in the relationship.
I have little interest in either sex or romance.
I am usually identifiable by the fact I carry a water flask of gin, a notebook and a Pokémon badge. If you have ever sat next to a ginger woman on a train and she has hissed at you with cat-like venom, that was probably me.
If you are a recent date that I have directed to this page, I think we can now safely assume we both know how the date went.
If you are a potential employer that I have directed to this page, I think we can now safely assume we both know how the interview went.
Thank you for the time nonetheless, and if I got anything for free out of it, thank you for that too.
